One year. While “time flies” this past year has seemed to drag on. A lot can happen in a year, a lot did happen in minutes to completely change our lives. It all happened so fast, yet the recovery has been so slow. Am I 100%? No. Am I still continuing to heal? Yes. Am I comfortable to this day being in a car? No. Do I still have extreme bouts of PTSD and anxiety? Yes. Will I ever be the same after being hit head on by a drunk driver? No. Am I broken? Yes. Broken, hard pressed, crushed, but not abandon. Struck down, but not destroyed.
I am a different person a year later. I am not at all where I want to be, but by the grace of God there is hope for my circumstances and for my life! In my weakness, He is strong. In my brokenness, He is my healer. He is the potter, and I am the clay. Thank God that He is continuing to mold me into a vessel that His light can shine through and love can pour out.
A vessel is defined in the dictionary as, “a hollow or concave utensil, as a cup, bowl, pitcher, or vase, used for holding liquids or other contents.” In II Timothy, the Word says, “But in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay, some for honor and some for dishonor. Therefore if anyone cleanses himself from the latter, he will be a vessel for honor, sanctified and useful for the Master, prepared for every good work.” Those who accept Jesus as Savior and make Him Lord of your life, are called to be vessels of Christ, of the Holy Spirit that has filled us. We are jars of clay that carry His treasure. Set apart. Different. A vessel filled with dishonorable things must first be emptied, broken, molded, and cleansed before being useful to the Master.
While this past year has brought great feelings of emptiness, while I have been broken both physically and emotionally, while I have felt the anxiety especially over the past few weeks remembering this time a year ago, I know that a vessel full of anything not of God must be emptied, broken, and cleansed to be of use to my Master, my Savior, my Lord. In praying and reading the Bible, God gave me a picture of the literal cracks and holes in my bones being necessary to be emptied of the anger, bitterness, need to control, uncertainty, anxiety, fear, pain, resentment, everything in me that doesn’t not line up with the Word and the things of Him. In this picture while I saw and understood the necessity of the breaking and emptying, I also saw the refilling of joy, forgiveness, surrender, certainty, peace, wholeness, health, life, and love, all pouring out in the form of an exceptional bright light, shining through those cracks that have been molded back together! If that picture isn’t a reason to embrace the broken and emptiness, knowing that refilling is coming, I don’t know what is. The God of all grace, my Heavenly Father, has called me to be His hands and feet, to be a vessel in which to carry and share His hope and light to the world.
I cannot say that I am glad that a drunk driver wrecked our lives a year ago when she hit us head on driving down the wrong side of the highway. I cannot say that I am not still dealing with pain, anxiety, the stress of uncertainty, and the need to control in a means to protect myself and my family. I cannot say that I am completely emptied of the things I am not proud of, or that a year later I am where I want to be in this journey. I can say though, that I have seen God throughout and I wouldn’t want to ever reverse the grace, love, and mercy that only He can give, that has been poured over my life. I can say that I understand being broken, feeling empty, and I embrace it, knowing that I can be an offering, a vessel to my Savior, who gave His life so that I can live mine. Matthew 5:6 says, “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, For they shall be filled.” A year later, I can say, I am more hungry for the things of God than I have ever been and I know in my breaking and emptying, I SHALL BE FILLED.
